


Time Gains Momentum

by phunWorks



Series: I Want to Be Alive When You See My Eyes [4]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Journal, Stand Alone, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-20 00:44:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10651455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phunWorks/pseuds/phunWorks
Summary: These journals are his one safe place to speak. To confess. And to release. He's a witness with troubles of his own. These are his thoughts.***Stand alone(s) written in journal form with Zack as the narrator. These journals are an insight into his psyche during the course of 'I Want to Be Alive When You See My Eyes'.





	1. I Don't Want to Be

**Author's Note:**

> This journal takes place a month prior to 'Midnight Therapy' s beginning.

July 28th:

 

So, it's been a while since I've written in this thing. Of course, I haven't written since Ty got out of the hospital around the end of last semester. During that time, I probably needed to, but since when do I actually do what's best for me when I need to? That'd be breaking tradition. All kidding aside, I think this is a good thing. A good thing that I'm going to work hard to stick to, even if things go bad like last semester. So, I guess I should play catch up and update whoever's reading this journal on how I think everyone's doing.

First off, my dad just recently finished his short sentence at the county jail. I don't know how he's doing and I don't give a shit enough to try learn otherwise. He keeps trying to call my mom and beg for her to let him come back. My mom says she's not giving into his bullshit this time. I think I may actually believe her this time. I really wish he'd stop calling her and pushing her to give and shit. 

And then there's Tyler. He's actually doing pretty good. He's been doing this summer basketball camp at the school so he can stay in shape and stay focused for the upcoming season in October. I'm actually really impressed with how he's doing. Maybe he's finally adjusted to his medication enough to act somewhat energetic and give a shit about life. That or he's not taking them. I don't know. I just know that the end of last semester was one of the worst times this family's gone through and it's all because Tyler refused to go on medication before his episode. An episode that almost got people killed. I'm going to embrace the fact that Tyler could just simply be Tyler again.

Maddy and Jay are doing alright, too. They are both getting pretty big, pretty fast. Annoying as hell, but I'll take that as a sign that they're normal.

Josh has been coming over a lot since May. I like him a lot and think he's probably the best addition to this family so far. He's Tyler's best friend but they act more like brothers. I kind of see him as a big brother, actually. He's actually over tonight and playing on the '64 with Tyler, right now. I'm suppose to join them after my homework is finished.... but I'm doing this instead. gg

Now, how am I doing? 

Well, I got out of summer school late today, due to a swift kick in the nuts on my way out the door by M.. He's such a fucking dickhead. At the same time, I only got hit once today, so I guess my day could've been worse.

Physically, I found something that I'm worried about. There's the lump on my neck. I don't feel sick, nor do I act like I have some infection of sorts. I think it's my lymph node but I can't be sure. If it doesn't go away, I'll set an appointment for it. It's probably nothing, so I'm not worried.

Psychologically, I decided to quit cutting. I don't see the point if it's not doing anything for me anymore. I still want to hang myself from the ceiling fan above me. As screwed up as this may sound, I really hope I'm not like Tyler. I don't want to have bipolar disorder. The guy seems so miserable on those medications most of the time and he seems insane or depressed otherwise.

Anyway, I might end up going to bed now. I've been getting tired a lot anymore. Depression's a bitch like that, I guess.

 

Peace out,

_ZJ_


	2. Days Go On Forever

Aug. 12th

 

Regular school begins in the next couple days. I thought summer school was going to be the end of having to endure this guy's torment, but as it turns out, he's going to my school this year because his other one wants nothing to do with me. Figures. 

Why do I even try anymore. Every single time I think things will start getting better, they always get worse. Like my mom, she's started accepting my dad's calls. Tyler tells me to stop worrying about it, but I can see it in his eyes, he knows what I know. She's just going to take that dickhead back like always. Why does she repeat the same mistakes and why are we the ones who have to pay the price for it? Fuck her. Over these past week, it's back to her weeping and Tyler fixing our meals, cleaning and taking us school supplies shopping. He's the one training Jay to use the toilet, not mom. Does she even care about us? I don't care about my dad, I know he doesn't. Tyler's more like a dad to me than that son of a bitch ever was or will be. 

I'm worried about Ty. I'm worried because I don't think he's taking his medication. I could be wrong but usually his meds overwhelm his mind too much to be capable of keeping up with everything, without my help, at least. Maybe I'm just worrying for the sake of worrying and he's simply gotten used to the medication he's on. I don't know. I feel like a shit brother. I can't even seem to help him. When I do manage to get out of bed, lately, I don't even have the energy to do anything. I sleep, eat and then sleep some more. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why do I have to be so damn lazy? Tyler's working his ass off and I'm sobbing in my sheets. Tyler says not to worry about it, just take care of myself. He's also asking a lot of questions about the damn kid at school. I don't want to tell him. Last kid that picked on me, and he knew, well... the poor bastard lost a few teeth. I don't need my brother fighting for me. I don't want a fight. Besides, I probably deserve this shit anyway. 

 

Sorry this entry is so depressing. I'm kinda depressed so...

 

_ZJ_

**Author's Note:**

> Should I continue with this idea?
> 
> Let me know below.


End file.
